Why is there such an increase of suicides, PTSD, and anxiety in the teaching profession? Why aren't schools taking a stance on unruly behavior?--Horrors in the Classroom Part 2.

The night of my anniversary of not teaching, I had a vivid dream in which I went back into the classroom to teach. I can picture the desks all lined up, the smell of new school supplies in the air. I seemed excited to have a new start, a "Happy New Year". Slammmm!!  All of a sudden, two very familiar women come barging into my room. My dream just turned into a horrible nightmare! The two bullies I had years ago came walking in. It was my old principal and her side-kick, the master teacher. Thankfully, I woke up to the sound of a howling dog that wanted to go outside. I had that feeling in my chest, that anxiety sensation, of "Oh no! It is happening again!"  The nightmare was over but will the horror always haunt me forever? It sure seems like it will...

I decided to write this blog for coping therapy- to help me with my emotions and to shed light in the horrors I faced by being a public school teacher.  I know many other past colleagues that I worked with also faced these same horrors. They had the same bullies and very similar situations happen to them. I just wanted to take it a little further, to share my feelings and emotions of what can happen to teachers. Is there an epidemic on the rise of teachers in so much stress they commit suicide? What is really going on with the youth of our society?

I would love to be a fly on the wall on every single teacher lounge in the United States to see what the buzz is on every campus. What is the latest push for teachers to do in the classroom? What were the new district policies set forth for the upcoming school year?  What new implementation is the district mandating that every teacher to do? How are teachers coping with the rise of unruly students that cause such chaos in the classroom? How many are truly happy in what they do? Why is it that so many colleagues and professionals in my past field do not want to share their story? It really bothered me when I stumbled upon a news channel video from Baton Rouge. Why are these two teachers disguising their voices and hiding their faces? It almost felt like one of those 20-20 specials of a person who is under a court order protection of a murder they witnessed. Ironically it wasn't a murder, but their own story of the abuse they faced in the classroom.

It made me ponder a bit in why? Why hide? I believe it is the indoctrination of fear of administration will come and harm teachers like myself by taking away their beloved job or be reprimanded for some idiotic reason. Do teachers really want an ineffective in their personal file? A strike against them? I will never forget October of 2013. I felt defeated and beaten to a pulp, left to die. The anxiety took a toll on me on what my current administrator wanted to do to me and to tarnish my teaching record. I never signed my observation because I did not agree one bit that I was an ineffective teacher. She even videotaped my observation and told me “I won't put you through that again, so we will not watch it"...I would love to get a copy of it and post it for the whole world to see what I encountered in the classroom. It is the disturbing truth that our society is crumbling right before our eyes yet no one is held accountable other than I was to blame for the misbehaving that occurred in my classroom. It is pretty pathetic and shame on anyone who thought I was ineffective.  All one had to do is look at my success rate I had in the classroom with standardized tests and district assessments to know that I am a far cry of being inadequate teacher. I can honestly laugh at it now because I did have some of the highest test scores for a Title One Teacher. 

I count my luck stars that I did seek help.  I am very thankful for the advice from my psychiatrist and therapist to not to sign that God awful observation that my principal wanted me to sign, even when I was on medical leave.  I finally had a team, a team that believed in me, that listened to me, and that fought for me to get better.  They are my protectors. I started believing in myself that after all those years of put-downs and abuse I encountered were not acceptable in the workforce. The way I was treated by administration and the students should have never happened, but it did. I was blamed that I didn't have classroom control of these unruly students. I thought about it a bit in what the demographics and background of my unruly students. It was quite interesting. It consisted of a large amount of my misbehaving students whom had broken families, some of the parents were in jail serving time, some were foster children or children that were being raised by their grandparents, and some were even on open enrollment because they were kicked out of their former school. Of course there were some that had a perfect life at home but still were troublemakers. Why was I being punished for lack of discipline and funding to help these troubled students flourish into respectful human beings by giving them tools to cope with their life? I would say the biggest band-aide my former district had was to blame the teacher, not blame the system of lack of support and aide for these students.

After driving home from one of my sessions with my therapist one day, I decided to Google teachers and PTSD when I got home. I didn't find many articles as I would like but the ones that I did find touched my heart in so many levels. There were two teachers, like myself, that were fed up of being inadequate. One even took it upon herself to write a six page letter to her district in why she took her own life. She left it in her car while she ran across a busy highway in Chicago and was killed. There was another gentleman from California that was fed up with inadequate scores on his evaluation. He was well loved and admired teacher that was adored by his students and colleagues. He couldn't take it anymore and was found dead near a ravine. I remember myself that one night I screamed for an hour, thinking of ways I could harm myself because I just couldn't take the abuse anymore. It was the indoctrination of brain-washing of the feeling of "I am a failure" that my administrators bestowed upon me. I wasn't a failure; I was a victim of the horrors in the classroom.

There are many factual studies out there about teacher retention. In my former school district, a school board candidate who was running for a spot this past October said that about 600 teachers left my district in the past two years! Six hundred teachers let alone in my school district, but do you think the district really cared that they almost had a death in their hands?? No- it is business like usual yet so many teachers like myself up and left a job that they once loved.  Many new studies indicate that in the first five years of teaching, half the teachers leave the profession. According to the Health Magazine, the top ten professions for depression is being a teacher. What is going on? Why is there such an increase of suicides, PTSD, and anxiety in the teaching profession? Of course teachers get their summers off but really? I always said it was more of a mental break to regroup and start fresh with a new set of students the next fall.  The endless hours at night and the weekend I would work to perfect my teaching to be the best teacher for my students. When I really thought about it one day calculating the hours, I really didn't have summers off or weekends. I was a sucker to work while not getting paid for all those endless hours of hard work.  Any other profession out there gets paid for overtime, but not teachers! Any field can be considered a toxic, hostile working environment but the majority of the population would be stunned in what I witnessed in my short 14 year career as an elementary school teacher. 

Teaching was once a profession that was highly regarded, and maybe in some schools across the country it still is. After all, teachers are the ones that fuel the fire for our young minds of the future. It was a shame of how much disrespect I saw or the stories I heard from friends who were teachers. It didn't matter the socioeconomic status of the area. I have heard horror stories of parents attacking teachers in why their little princess or prince did not receive the grades they deserved or the "My child would never do that, it is you!” I can laugh at all of it because yes, parents can be bullies too. There was only one time in my career that a parent thought I was prejudice of her child because I documented the child's behavior. I was trying to be proactive and thinking of different tactics that I would try to get this child to behave and learn in class. I also had to document it for my district's policy for students who needed more than just Tier 1 and Tier 2 intervention.  I was running myself thin and to be slapped in the face by the parent for trying to help this unruly student to cooperate. The last day the open enrollment student attended my class was the day this child spit, threw objects at me, and called me names that the administration finally took action to remove this child out of my classroom. Ironically, an hour later, the ambulance was called to take me by a stretcher for unknown pains I was having, I didn't know what was happening to me. The  EMTs were very concerned with my low blood pressure and pulse but couldn't pin point what was going on with me- was it the stress I just endured in the classroom? You better believe it was a part of it! I look back to myself of all the warning signs that God gave me to get out of teaching, but I kept going for another year of torture. 

What is happening with our society? Why so many children are at such a young age have no respect for authority? What ever happened to values and morals? Why aren't schools taking a stance on unruly behavior? Is it the lack of funding or is there a bully factor from the district to decrease referrals so they can look good to the public?  Districts across the country should take a stance on establishing firm procedures and re-examine their district policies for students who are unruly and provide services for such individuals to flourish into respectful human beings. I look back on my time at my former school district and their push to have “Safe Schools" committees. These committees tracked behaviors and examined how to decrease referrals because after all, isn't that what the public wants?  What if a school had high referral rates? Wouldn't this be a red flag for the district to get rid of the principal? You better believe that there is this sense of "Let's not write referrals because I can lose my job, but let's blame the teacher for lack of discipline in the classroom."  I always joke that I will be on a deserted island in ten years when the children I have encountered in recent years become adults but I am really concerned what the future will hold, especially for my own children. If anyone is concerned in the rise of violence and gun shootings at schools, just wait another few years- I bet it will be more common than we think. I almost guarantee that more and more teachers like myself will leave a once loved profession because of the increase of stress and lack of support from administration.  I have contemplated a lot in my darkest hours when I came home feeling defeated, bruised, and scared of what might lie ahead…

Articles that every teacher and parent should read or watch on this epidemic:

- http://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2012/01/suic-j09.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/10/education/10teacher.html?_r=0

http://www.wafb.com/story/25556879/iteam-classrooms-of-fear-ptsd-for-teachers

*** I like to dedicate my story to all of the teachers around the United States that lost their ability to fight their battle such as Mary Thorson (Illinois teacher), and Rigoberto Ruelas ( Los Angeles, California) whom took their own life from the Horrors of the Classroom. ***

The Horrors in the Classroom

It took almost a full year to finally sit here and write, write about what has been haunting me to this day. On October 28^th, it will be an official year since I have stepped into a classroom and taught. I associate the classroom as a torture chamber with me strapped in chains, ready to die. It all sounds too far fetch to visualize an elementary classroom as a torture chamber, but that was my reality for so many years. I cannot erase my past, as much as I want it to go away. The memories will always haunt me. A simple sighting of a Yellow school bus rolling down the street, or children walking with backpacks to school will always jar my memory of the horrors I faced as an elementary school teacher.

                I really don’t know when it all started, but I know when it came to the end, when I came home from a horrible observation of a child that decided today is the day to throw a massive fit .  A child who was kicked out of a charter school and was on open enrollment at my school.  A day in which I had to evacuate my whole class during the dreadful observation. I was panic stricken- so much that night I had so much anxiety and stress that I curled up in a ball started screaming for at least an hour. Evil thoughts of ending my own life because I hated my life so much just because of my job as a teacher.   I was at my end, the end of an era and almost the end of my life.

                Fast forward to a few years back. I just found out I was pregnant and I was to embark in this new  “TAP” adventure at my school in which we get extra training and assistance to perfect our teaching as well as a nice bonus if your students performed well on standardized tests. The extra money was also tied to having stellar observations. I thought this was a unique opportunity. Half of the staff at my school was let go and I seemed to be one of the “chosen few” to stay behind and try TAP. I will never forget telling my principal that I was pregnant before school started that year.  She seemed upset and didn't even congratulate me on such a joyous occasion. Her demeanor towards me changed. I should have known what was in store for me that year.  I think that is when it all started to unravel for me. Everything I did, it seemed as if it was never good enough. I had the most duties on campus that year, even ridiculed if I was a half of a second late by blaring my name on the loudspeaker to report to my duty.  I even was in charge of a special reading group that consisted of a special education student who had a para professional the whole time she was in school but for that one hour I had her, it was just me and 25 other students. The other reading teacher that did the same program as me had a paraprofessional in her classroom the whole time.  How could this be? She had less special education students and fewer students than me? I even discussed how unfair it was with my administration but I would get the run around. I was relieved that it wasn't just me who thought it was unfair and had the support from the reading program consultants who helped our district with the program. I did have a special education teacher push in my classroom for a few weeks, but I told my principal it was too much of a distraction when this  teacher pushed in fifth graders in the classroom during my time with the other 25 students. I wanted what was best for my students and the less distractions the better so that we can accomplish our goals.  I even set up the whole entire reading room by myself, labeled it, made it all nice with no help.  I was blamed that it was a mess when the special education teacher walked in for her class. How dare this person ridicule all of my hard work, and how dare her ridicule me of her responsibilities that she did not do. I could list even more blaming game that they pulled on me that year, it was one thing after the other. I was even blamed for taking a school CD player that they never purchased for me. Fortunately, I kept all of my emails, especially the one that specifically told me that my principal refused to buy one and told me to use my laptop to play CDS. Why blame me? Why treat teachers with so much disrespect by going through their moving boxes while they were not in their classrooms to see if they are taking school property while they were packing to leave for another school? Why send an email to my new principal stating I took a CD player that was never even purchased for me? How dare they call me a thief! I am one of the most honest people you would ever meet- I don’t get it. I never did. I will never understand the treatment I had that year. The year before I took three special education students for an hour, while the special education teacher was chit chatting and working on projects in the office with the principal. This teacher could do no wrong like many more that seem to know how to brown nose to the boss. To have special happy hours with the principal- the chosen few in the “brown nose-happy hour” click. This click got what they wanted,  to get special treatment and great marks on their observations. Then there is me, who worked so hard to do what is best for the students. To do whatever it takes to get my students to perform to their highest abilities but what reward did I get by giving 110% ? All I got was a stab in the back with me bleeding for my sanity to stay alive. The principal and her master teachers always said to treat other students as if they can succeed and that every child can be successful . Those words should have implied to their own staff.  Every day I went to school, I dreaded it- what will they say to me now? What kind of idiotic put down were  they going to say to me today?

 Little did I know, I would be treated so unfairly that year by doing what I needed to do for my students knowing I was going to be off for nine weeks on maternity leave. I heard that my principal blamed me and another teacher who was also on maternity leave in why the school ‘s test scores were so poor that year. It was even funnier to know that the other teacher on leave was the Social Studies teacher and that my test score average was better than the three other fourth grade teachers in reading.  It just didn’t make sense to me. I always wanted to be a teacher to help children reach their highest potential and most of them did with me. We even had the top scores one year in which all of our fifth grade students reached in the high 90’s that  met or exceeded on our standardized reading test. One of the best if not the best in the district. I even had the bottom kindergarten students one year  who were that “class from hell” but  miraculously they reached in the 90’s for the DIBELS Reading Test.  All I ever wanted to do is be that teacher that I didn’t have when I was in elementary school. Someone that believed in them, someone who they knew they could trust and learn from and push them to their highest potential. It all came tumbling down that year and my dreams of being a teacher for years to come would fade away like a distant memory.

The year I did TAP was such a  stressful and emotional time of my life and being pregnant didn’t help one bit.  Anything I did on my observations, they always found ways to mark my rubric with almost inefficient marks. It was about three weeks until I was going to be on maternity leave, and they decided to put this extra stress on me by “trying to help”  me be proficient by pushing into my classroom. It was a joke- they needed to do their paperwork to show the TAP people that they were trying to help me and half the time they didn't even show up.  At the end of my time of help,  the master and mentor teacher  said I was doing very well. Every week, I was being monitored by my obgyn to be put on high blood pressure medicine. I am very thankful of Dr. Oz and his recommendation of Daikon Radish, which I believe saved me numerous times from taking any medicine while I was pregnant.  I never took any medicine for anything, so why should I do it now while pregnant? I was even told weeks before I was going to be on leave, that I will no longer have my job there for next year. I thought this was a blessing. I knew my name was on the “ black balled” list that my district has on teachers and that if I tried to interview, in which I did, that I would not get it. I remember going in for one interview and that principal said “Don’t do anything until I talk to you”. Her whole demeanor changed towards me after she talked to my principal. She didn't want me nor wanted me to interview for another position that came up a week later.  After about  eight in-district interviews,  I knew I was going to be surplused into a school. Anything had to be better in which I just faced with the bullying of administration. I even had to fight for my extra pay from TAP months later. My principal flat out told me that I would not get a portion of the pay since I was on maternity leave. What an idiot, did she not know it was illegal to do that? I should have pursed it legally, but all I wanted is to get that extra 400 dollars I earned.  I just wanted to be done with that school and the scars I faced emotionally.

I was surplused into a school that a few of my friends were at. I was ready to start a new adventure but little did I know, I would be faced with horrors in the classroom and the black balling of my name that seemed to haunt me from my other school.  My new principal never said anything about what she heard from my previous principal, but I knew my name was on the “IT“ list. The IT list to get me out.  On my very first observation, she wanted to write me up because she thought I didn't have my immaculate lesson plans I spent hours creating every week. I had them displayed on my desk.  I had to call her on a Saturday to explain that I had also sent it to her by email. I did have the classroom from hell that year but somehow I made it through. I found out very quickly that the children run the roost at my new school. The children knew that they could get away with the littlest things and not really be punished for their actions.  I had pencils thrown at me, spit at, chairs thrown at me, personal items stolen by students,  and even had workers compensation for an injury I faced from a student who rammed me with a bicycle during lunch recess.  To this day, I still have jarring pain that will come and go on my leg. I  was even taken by ambulance from school for pains after an open enrollment student threw a fit. It  turned out to be my gallbladder but I do believe I was stricken with an anxiety attack on top of it all.  I was there a year and half until that god awful observation that sent my world into a blender.

On October 28^th, I had an in-service, my last time I set foot in a district building as a working teacher.  I walked into the building only to be greeted by my late administrator who seemed to pull off a career move to the district office overseeing Title One Schools. I had to sit through that in service, knowing that I will be going to a psychiatrist in the evening to see what is going on with me. A few days before, I had a traumatic observation.  Why did I want to kill myself over a job that I once loved and respected? I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, Major Depression Syndrome, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I was put on leave immediately by my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is one of the best in the city. I felt a bit better knowing that it wasn't just in my head of all these thoughts I was having in my head. All of the anxiety and emotions I was having was not normal at all, it was very serious, and it was out of control. I will never forget her asking me that day if she should call the hospital to admit me because I was so bad but I promised her that I would not harm myself. I thought to myself how long will I really get better? Or will the horrors always haunt me?

A year has gone by, but yet the lingering thoughts of what I went through still haunt me during the day and my dreams at night.  I have come to the conclusion that I  was in a very hostile work environment and that I faced a lot of bullying from administration and children in the classroom.  It took me a long time to realize that I was kind of like a war veteran in a bloody war. Yes, teaching in public schools is a bloody battlefield or at least the district I was at. There was no support, lack of funding, children run the roost ,and administration is tainted with professionals that have  personal agendas and vendettas to go after certain teachers. It seemed that all that my district cared about is tracking referrals and decreasing the number that is given out each semester.  It is a bloody shame, tax dollars pay for free education but little do they know what kinds of hidden horrors in the classroom that happen on a regular basis.  Let’s blame it all on the teacher, it is their fault their classroom is out of control, it is their fault that society is crumbling right before our eyes and our troubled youth is screaming for help. The teacher is a warrior battling through the battle like I did but you can say, I didn't fight back. I let them abuse me for so many years, get ridiculed into thinking I was a horrible teacher yet my test scores were proven to show that I was one of the best warriors on the field. It took me a long time to realize that I had PTSD like war veterans but the more I thought of it, I have had objects thrown at me, had an injury from a deranged student, spit at, and even called horrible names. I was bullied by administration which almost brought me to end my own life.

As a society, we should examine what really happens in the classroom. We needed to  accept that society is much different than it was ten years ago. Have you ever thought of what your child faces in the classroom when disruptions happen? What kind of funding does your school district have for disruptive students? Is the district that your child at worried about decreasing referrals rather than writing them for serious behaviors? Does your child’s school have a full time guidance counselor or psychiatrist at your school or is it a few days out of the week? Are there weekly classes for troubled students to cope with their behaviors? Does  your child’s district have full inclusion, if so, what happens when the child becomes disruptive? How does the district/school treat their teachers? What is the retention of qualified teachers? Every year, is there a big teacher turnover rate at your child’s school?  How many teachers are really happy at what they do? There are so many band-aides to fix these problems, even in my old school district but they never fix them. Being a parent myself, I take this very seriously. I decided  long before my first child was ready for school that I would place him at a school that had strict discipline procedures and a very rigorous academic program.  I know every day I send him to school that his learning would not be impacted by  unruly students running a muck in the classroom.  I know that there is zero tolerance for such behavior and that my child can learn to his fullest potential.  

Where do I go from here? Who knows but I know for one thing is for sure, I will never step into the classroom and teach. It is sad but the nightmares I have at night, the simple sightings of anything associated with school jar up emotions of the  horror I faced in the classroom. I am not the only one that faces this horror. There are many others out there like myself that are afraid to tell their story. They are afraid of quitting because it is a job and they have families to worry about and bills to be paid. I decided that day in October, that no matter how much money my therapy or my medicine was, that my health and well being was much greater to me than a pay check. I  just want to feel normal again and I hope one day I do feel normal.

The reason I want to tell my story  is to comfort other teachers out there that face the same kind of abuse. Teachers are afraid that the district office will take their credentials away if the true story comes out in how corrupt public schools can be. Teacher Unions are getting weaker and weaker as the years go by with little support to help teachers like myself. It is a shame, I have nothing to hide. I even had a recent talk with my therapist about what will I do in the future. She even said “Don’t let the bullies win” and a part of me wants to go show the bullies  that I can teach and a part of me is scared to death what would happen if I did step in the classroom. I have to believe in Karma, Karma is a bitch. What you reap is what you sow.   The truth really does hurt. If you are a teacher reading this and had this happen to you, all I can say is to value your health and your own family. Seek medical attention because those feelings of anxiety are not normal.  Document everything and save emails, you never know when you might need them to defend yourself.  Remember, you are not alone.  My oldest brother told me,  if a job paid you a million dollars a year, and you wanted to kill yourself, is it worth it? Only you can decide what you want to do but I hope my story shed light on the horrors in the classroom that I faced.

*** I like to dedicate my story to all of the teachers around the United States that lost their ability to fight their battle such as Mary Thorson (Illinois teacher), and Rigoberto Ruelas ( Los Angeles, California) whom took their own life from the Horrors of the Classroom. ***