It took almost a full year to
finally sit here and write, write about what has been haunting me to this day.
On October 28th, it will be an official year since I have stepped
into a classroom and taught. I associate the classroom as a torture chamber
with me strapped in chains, ready to die. It all sounds too far fetch to
visualize an elementary classroom as a torture chamber, but that was my reality
for so many years. I cannot erase my past, as much as I want it to go away. The
memories will always haunt me. A simple sighting of a Yellow school bus rolling
down the street, or children walking with backpacks to school will always jar
my memory of the horrors I faced as an elementary school teacher.
I
really don’t know when it all started, but I know when it came to the end, when
I came home from a horrible observation of a child that decided today is the
day to throw a massive fit . A child who
was kicked out of a charter school and was on open enrollment at my school. A day in which I had to evacuate my whole
class during the dreadful observation. I was panic stricken- so much that night
I had so much anxiety and stress that I curled up in a ball started screaming
for at least an hour. Evil thoughts of ending my own life because I hated my
life so much just because of my job as a teacher. I was at my end, the end of an era and almost
the end of my life.
Fast
forward to a few years back. I just found out I was pregnant and I was to
embark in this new “TAP” adventure at my
school in which we get extra training and assistance to perfect our teaching as
well as a nice bonus if your students performed well on standardized tests. The
extra money was also tied to having stellar observations. I thought this was a
unique opportunity. Half of the staff at my school was let go and I seemed to
be one of the “chosen few” to stay behind and try TAP. I will never forget
telling my principal that I was pregnant before school started that year. She seemed upset and didn't even congratulate
me on such a joyous occasion. Her demeanor towards me changed. I should have known
what was in store for me that year. I
think that is when it all started to unravel for me. Everything I did, it
seemed as if it was never good enough. I had the most duties on campus that
year, even ridiculed if I was a half of a second late by blaring my name on the
loudspeaker to report to my duty. I even
was in charge of a special reading group that consisted of a special education
student who had a para professional the whole time she was in school but for
that one hour I had her, it was just me and 25 other students. The other
reading teacher that did the same program as me had a paraprofessional in her
classroom the whole time. How could this
be? She had less special education students and fewer students than me? I even
discussed how unfair it was with my administration but I would get the run
around. I was relieved that it wasn't just me who thought it was unfair and had
the support from the reading program consultants who helped our district with
the program. I did have a special education teacher push in my classroom for a
few weeks, but I told my principal it was too much of a distraction when this teacher pushed in fifth graders in the
classroom during my time with the other 25 students. I wanted what was best for
my students and the less distractions the better so that we can accomplish our
goals. I even set up the whole entire
reading room by myself, labeled it, made it all nice with no help. I was blamed that it was a mess when the
special education teacher walked in for her class. How dare this person
ridicule all of my hard work, and how dare her ridicule me of her
responsibilities that she did not do. I could list even more blaming game that
they pulled on me that year, it was one thing after the other. I was even
blamed for taking a school CD player that they never purchased for me.
Fortunately, I kept all of my emails, especially the one that specifically told
me that my principal refused to buy one and told me to use my laptop to play
CDS. Why blame me? Why treat teachers with so much disrespect by going through
their moving boxes while they were not in their classrooms to see if they are
taking school property while they were packing to leave for another school? Why
send an email to my new principal stating I took a CD player that was never
even purchased for me? How dare they call me a thief! I am one of the most
honest people you would ever meet- I don’t get it. I never did. I will never
understand the treatment I had that year. The year before I took three special
education students for an hour, while the special education teacher was chit
chatting and working on projects in the office with the principal. This teacher
could do no wrong like many more that seem to know how to brown nose to the boss.
To have special happy hours with the principal- the chosen few in the “brown
nose-happy hour” click. This click got what they wanted, to get special treatment and great marks on
their observations. Then there is me, who worked so hard to do what is best for
the students. To do whatever it takes to get my students to perform to their
highest abilities but what reward did I get by giving 110% ? All I got was a stab
in the back with me bleeding for my sanity to stay alive. The principal and her
master teachers always said to treat other students as if they can succeed and
that every child can be successful . Those words should have implied to their
own staff. Every day I went to school, I
dreaded it- what will they say to me now? What kind of idiotic put down were they going to say to me today?
Little did I know, I would be treated so
unfairly that year by doing what I needed to do for my students knowing I was
going to be off for nine weeks on maternity leave. I heard that my principal
blamed me and another teacher who was also on maternity leave in why the school
‘s test scores were so poor that year. It was even funnier to know that the
other teacher on leave was the Social Studies teacher and that my test score
average was better than the three other fourth grade teachers in reading. It just didn’t make sense to me. I always wanted
to be a teacher to help children reach their highest potential and most of them
did with me. We even had the top scores one year in which all of our fifth
grade students reached in the high 90’s that met or exceeded on our standardized reading
test. One of the best if not the best in the district. I even had the bottom
kindergarten students one year who were
that “class from hell” but miraculously
they reached in the 90’s for the DIBELS Reading Test. All I ever wanted to do is be that teacher
that I didn’t have when I was in elementary school. Someone that believed in
them, someone who they knew they could trust and learn from and push them to
their highest potential. It all came tumbling down that year and my dreams of
being a teacher for years to come would fade away like a distant memory.
The year I did TAP was such a stressful and emotional time of my life and
being pregnant didn’t help one bit. Anything I did on my observations, they always
found ways to mark my rubric with almost inefficient marks. It was about three
weeks until I was going to be on maternity leave, and they decided to put this
extra stress on me by “trying to help” me be proficient by pushing into my classroom.
It was a joke- they needed to do their paperwork to show the TAP people that
they were trying to help me and half the time they didn't even show up. At the end of my time of help, the master and mentor teacher said I was doing very well. Every week, I was
being monitored by my obgyn to be put on high blood pressure medicine. I am
very thankful of Dr. Oz and his recommendation of Daikon Radish, which I believe
saved me numerous times from taking any medicine while I was pregnant. I never took any medicine for anything, so why
should I do it now while pregnant? I was even told weeks before I was going to
be on leave, that I will no longer have my job there for next year. I thought
this was a blessing. I knew my name was on the “ black balled” list that my
district has on teachers and that if I tried to interview, in which I did, that
I would not get it. I remember going in for one interview and that principal
said “Don’t do anything until I talk to you”. Her whole demeanor changed
towards me after she talked to my principal. She didn't want me nor wanted me
to interview for another position that came up a week later. After about
eight in-district interviews, I
knew I was going to be surplused into a school. Anything had to be better in
which I just faced with the bullying of administration. I even had to fight for
my extra pay from TAP months later. My principal flat out told me that I would
not get a portion of the pay since I was on maternity leave. What an idiot, did
she not know it was illegal to do that? I should have pursed it legally, but
all I wanted is to get that extra 400 dollars I earned. I just wanted to be done with that school and
the scars I faced emotionally.
I was surplused into a school that
a few of my friends were at. I was ready to start a new adventure but little
did I know, I would be faced with horrors in the classroom and the black
balling of my name that seemed to haunt me from my other school. My new principal never said anything about
what she heard from my previous principal, but I knew my name was on the “IT“ list.
The IT list to get me out. On my very
first observation, she wanted to write me up because she thought I didn't have
my immaculate lesson plans I spent hours creating every week. I had them displayed
on my desk. I had to call her on a
Saturday to explain that I had also sent it to her by email. I did have the
classroom from hell that year but somehow I made it through. I found out very quickly
that the children run the roost at my new school. The children knew that they
could get away with the littlest things and not really be punished for their
actions. I had pencils thrown at me,
spit at, chairs thrown at me, personal items stolen by students, and even had workers compensation for an
injury I faced from a student who rammed me with a bicycle during lunch recess.
To this day, I still have jarring pain
that will come and go on my leg. I was
even taken by ambulance from school for pains after an open enrollment student
threw a fit. It turned out to be my
gallbladder but I do believe I was stricken with an anxiety attack on top of it
all. I was there a year and half until
that god awful observation that sent my world into a blender.
On October 28th, I had
an in-service, my last time I set foot in a district building as a working
teacher. I walked into the building only
to be greeted by my late administrator who seemed to pull off a career move to
the district office overseeing Title One Schools. I had to sit through that in
service, knowing that I will be going to a psychiatrist in the evening to see
what is going on with me. A few days before, I had a traumatic observation. Why did I want to kill myself over a job that
I once loved and respected? I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome, Major Depression Syndrome, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was put on leave immediately by my
psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is one of the best in the city. I felt a bit
better knowing that it wasn't just in my head of all these thoughts I was
having in my head. All of the anxiety and emotions I was having was not normal
at all, it was very serious, and it was out of control. I will never forget her
asking me that day if she should call the hospital to admit me because I was so
bad but I promised her that I would not harm myself. I thought to myself how
long will I really get better? Or will the horrors always haunt me?
A year has gone by, but yet the
lingering thoughts of what I went through still haunt me during the day and my
dreams at night. I have come to the
conclusion that I was in a very hostile
work environment and that I faced a lot of bullying from administration and
children in the classroom. It took me a
long time to realize that I was kind of like a war veteran in a bloody war.
Yes, teaching in public schools is a bloody battlefield or at least the
district I was at. There was no support, lack of funding, children run the
roost ,and administration is tainted with professionals that have personal agendas and vendettas to go after
certain teachers. It seemed that all that my district cared about is tracking referrals
and decreasing the number that is given out each semester. It is a bloody shame, tax dollars pay for free
education but little do they know what kinds of hidden horrors in the classroom
that happen on a regular basis. Let’s
blame it all on the teacher, it is their fault their classroom is out of
control, it is their fault that society is crumbling right before our eyes and
our troubled youth is screaming for help. The teacher is a warrior battling
through the battle like I did but you can say, I didn't fight back. I let them
abuse me for so many years, get ridiculed into thinking I was a horrible
teacher yet my test scores were proven to show that I was one of the best
warriors on the field. It took me a long time to realize that I had PTSD like war
veterans but the more I thought of it, I have had objects thrown at me, had an
injury from a deranged student, spit at, and even called horrible names. I was
bullied by administration which almost brought me to end my own life.
As a society, we should examine
what really happens in the classroom. We needed to accept that society is much different than it
was ten years ago. Have you ever thought of what your child faces in the
classroom when disruptions happen? What kind of funding does your school
district have for disruptive students? Is the district that your child at worried
about decreasing referrals rather than writing them for serious behaviors? Does
your child’s school have a full time guidance counselor or psychiatrist at your
school or is it a few days out of the week? Are there weekly classes for
troubled students to cope with their behaviors? Does your child’s district have full inclusion, if
so, what happens when the child becomes disruptive? How does the
district/school treat their teachers? What is the retention of qualified
teachers? Every year, is there a big teacher turnover rate at your child’s
school? How many teachers are really happy
at what they do? There are so many band-aides to fix these problems, even in my
old school district but they never fix them. Being a parent myself, I take this
very seriously. I decided long before my
first child was ready for school that I would place him at a school that had
strict discipline procedures and a very rigorous academic program. I know every day I send him to school that his
learning would not be impacted by unruly
students running a muck in the classroom. I know that there is zero tolerance for such
behavior and that my child can learn to his fullest potential.
Where do I go from here? Who knows
but I know for one thing is for sure, I will never step into the classroom and
teach. It is sad but the nightmares I have at night, the simple sightings of
anything associated with school jar up emotions of the horror I faced in the classroom. I am not the
only one that faces this horror. There are many others out there like myself
that are afraid to tell their story. They are afraid of quitting because it is
a job and they have families to worry about and bills to be paid. I decided
that day in October, that no matter how much money my therapy or my medicine
was, that my health and well being was much greater to me than a pay check. I just want to feel normal again and I hope one
day I do feel normal.
The reason I want to tell my story is to comfort other teachers out there that
face the same kind of abuse. Teachers are afraid that the district office will
take their credentials away if the true story comes out in how corrupt public
schools can be. Teacher Unions are getting weaker and weaker as the years go by
with little support to help teachers like myself. It is a shame, I have nothing
to hide. I even had a recent talk with my therapist about what will I do in the
future. She even said “Don’t let the bullies win” and a part of me wants to go
show the bullies that I can teach and a
part of me is scared to death what would happen if I did step in the classroom.
I have to believe in Karma, Karma is a bitch. What you reap is what you sow. The truth
really does hurt. If you are a teacher reading this and had this happen to you,
all I can say is to value your health and your own family. Seek medical
attention because those feelings of anxiety are not normal. Document everything and save emails, you never
know when you might need them to defend yourself. Remember, you are not alone. My oldest brother told me, if a job paid you a million dollars a year,
and you wanted to kill yourself, is it worth it? Only you can decide what you
want to do but I hope my story shed light on the horrors in the classroom that
I faced.
*** I like to dedicate my story to all of the teachers
around the United States that lost their ability to fight their battle such as Mary
Thorson (Illinois teacher), and Rigoberto Ruelas ( Los Angeles, California)
whom took their own life from the Horrors of the Classroom. ***
